Rock and a Hard Place

I have the sweetest little girl, evah!  I really do.  So sweet in fact that I have to teach her to be mean.  I can't believe I am saying that.  Mean probably isn't the best word to describe what I am talking about.  You see a lot of other girls want Claire's attention all of the time.  It is wearing her out.  I have seen it.  They are constantly shouting, "Claire! Claire!" trying to get her attention and talking over each other constantly.  It is a little much, maybe even weird.  She loves all of these girls as well as few others who aren't so demanding of her time.  Problem is, she can't give all of them the time and attention they require.  Now, some of her dearest friends have had enough and are no longer vying for her time.  They still like Claire, but they aren't going to get involved with the drama to be near her.  I am hoping it is a result of being secure enough in their friendship with Claire that they know they do not need to fight for it unnecessarily.  At least, that is what I am telling myself.   A while back, one of her friends even said to her, "I don't get it.  I mean your nice and all, but why is everyone SO crazy about you?"  I agree.  She is pretty awesome, but so are these other girls.

She has a really great group of friends, really.  Therein lies the problem.  They are all good friends, but Claire literally cannot hangout with all of them(and I'm talking 10+ girls) everyday at recess, or sit next to more than two at once, or listen to more than one at a time.  One person simply cannot fulfill all the tasks that these girls are asking of her, nor can she choose which one will sit next to her, or play with her or whatever.  It is a lot for one 10 year old to handle (especially when it has been going on since 2nd grade).  Consequently, she is letting them duke it out without really saying anything, so she doesn't have to be the bad guy that hurts someone's feelings by making a choice, which means the pushiest and most aggressive girls win every time.  I don't like that.  It seems to me she is rewarding negative behavior.

I am trying to teach her to be more diplomatic about it and say things like, "I haven't played with 'so and so' in a while, so I will see you guys later." My other favorite is, "I see you all day in class but don't see my other friends, so I am going to hang out with them today." I think these sound like very nice ways to tell someone I need a little space without really hurting their feelings, right?  She says it doesn't work that they follow her as she leaves to play with the others and will not leave her alone.

Recently, other moms have brought to my attention that the situation has gotten worse.  Of course, these are the moms of the girls who are NOT fighting for her attention. Their girls are tired of never getting to hang out with Claire.  So, here I am again, talking to my daughter about how to juggle friendships, and I realize I am not that much better.  Some of my favorite friends I don't see as much as I would like.  Sometimes it is pushier friends(or those in closer proximity) getting my attention, but most often the problem is time.  Again, there is just not enough of it. I no longer have the time to keep up with everyone.  Perhaps what we both need to do is make sure the time we spend, with the people we want to spend time with the most, is quality time, spent really connecting with those people.

My new solution is to make sure Claire gets time every week to spend with a friend she doesn't get to see much at school and do something that they really like to do together with out the distractions of the playground.  I will also make sure I spend time with my friends.  Once a month(time is an issue, so weekly is out!), I am going to go to lunch with someone I love, but don't get to spend enough time with. This may not solve the playground issues, but at least we will continue to build relationships we treasure.  Will let you know how it goes....

Masked

How cute is this boy?  The most perfectly sweet little grim reaper you ever did see, right?!?!

This scary looking guy was not easy to create.  Every year Aunt Debbie buys the kids Halloween costumes for their birthdays.  She always consults with them ahead to make sure she is getting exactly what they want, which she usually does.  This year was a real challenge for Deb.  She brought Patrick the costume catalog and went through it with him.  He picked out some real doozies.  One had a tattoo shirt with bloody, oozing bullet holes.  Another had a slash in the stomach flesh with his insides on display.  Really people, these were children's costumes.  I decided 1st grade was a bit too early to start with such gory costumes. Aunt Debbie and Patrick were both very disappointed.

There were several grim reapers to choose from, which was what he said he wanted to be in the first place. After much deliberation, he finally chose the all black get up with blinking lights for eyes.  It was very cool.  As you can imagine the light up eyes were the best part, so good in fact he had to play with them long before Halloween.  As any parent knows, this can only end in disaster.  An hour before it is time to head out the neighborhood parade, the eyes quit working.  Tears are falling. I try to readjust and wiggle wires.  Nothing I do is working.  Daddy gets on board with the repair and is successful after many maneuvers.  WHEW!  Now, we have electrical tape around a phone case holding the batteries wired to the glasses.  Said phone case must go inside shorts pockets, and he must change the clothes underneath the costume, which results in many tears because he only likes to wear athletic shorts, which have no pockets.  Daddy is losing patience.  After all, didn't he save the day by fixing the blinking eyes? My turn to explain the clothing situation and the parade schedule.  He relents puts on the clothes and costume, with blinking eyes and we head out the door to the parade, LATE.  Lucky for us, the parade was behind schedule and the grim reaper was present for the annual BOO parade.  We can't have Halloween without the grim reaper.  That wouldn't be right.

The real irony of it all is that Patrick was the grim reaper.  He wouldn't hurt a fly.  He is just not a fighter, that one. That is until recently. You see Patrick was being bullied by a friend at school.  He would NOT stand up to the kid.  I had a few conversations with Patrick about what to say.  It wasn't working.  It did not go on for all that long because daddy got involved.  He quickly informed me that words don't work on most boys.  If Patrick was going to get a message across to this kid, he had to speak his language, a language that had nothing to do with words. Not something mommies want to hear!  I have spent years teaching him to use his words, and now, I have to say it's OK to fight... nuh, uh, not going to do it.  I was quickly told by daddy that it wasn't up to me; he was the man and he would teach him to be a man.  Seriously?!?!  What century are we living in? Luckily, I am not married to a complete Neanderthal and he told Patrick to push the kid the next time he got physical with him.  Thank Goodness no fists, not yet.

Well when the showdown happened, it happened on the bus.  Patrick was being hit in the face repeatedly with a package of zany bands and grabbed the kids arm to stop him and sunk in his very untrimmed nails, drawing blood.  (Note to self- keep nails trimmed) Guess who got into trouble on the bus?!?! He was so upset.  He got off the bus and ran home without saying a word.  Every kid pouring off the bus that day kept saying, "It wasn't his fault! It wasn't his fault!" At that point, I had no idea what had happened, but I had a pretty good idea.  He finally stood up for himself!  Although I am not one to advocate violence of any kind, I was proud of him.

People who know Patrick find this story especially shocking.  He is loud, he is out there, he is all boy, and I love it! That is what people see on the outside.  At home, he is really sensitive and gets his little feelings hurt so easily.  He missed Claire so much when she went to camp he would not leave my side, not at all, the whole week she was gone.  Even I was shocked at that.  As loud, crazy and confident as he seems, the little boy who wants to be the grim reaper for Halloween was still affected by a bully, especially since that bully was and still is a good friend.

I love scrapbooking!

I admit it.  I am a nerdy scrapbooker.  I can't help it.  I love pictures, decorative paper and telling stories. Many people are surprised to know this about me.  I received more than a few wide eyed looks when I recently told people I was going to a scrapbook convention (One neighbor still thinks it's a cover for some illicit activity- I can only imagine what is going through his mind). I also discovered there are more people like me out there than I thought.  Closet scrappers, seriously many of them scrap in a closet.  It's a practical use of space, really.  Recently, I came out of the closet, literally, when we moved to a house where I have my very own scrapbook room.  Perfect, right?!?!  I know you are jealous.  I have been here a year and still very little has been created in my spacious scrap room.  It is sad really.  The truth is, it's not space I need, it's time. 

As the youngest in my family, the only photo album I have from childhood was made by my very thoughtful older sister. I am determined that will not be the fate of my children.   My plan is not to miss a memory, so that my kids will be able to look back at their scrapbooks and relive every memory with fondness.  I know this is what June Cleaver did, I just know it!

However, living life is getting in the way of scrapping life, and I'm a few years, behind.  I have some absolutely stunning albums, really.  Someday when the kids are in college and I have all this time on my hands as a stay at home empty nester, I will get back to creating those gorgeous pages.  For now, I think I will blog.  Oh, I haven't abandoned scrapping altogether.  I just won't feel as guilty about being behind in the picture part if I have the story part down somewhere.    

And mom, I now know why I don't have any sort of baby book/scrapbook or whatever you called it back then, and I am sorry I gave you a hard time about it.  The pictures you can't find, however, I am still a little disgruntled over that.  Keep looking!