I have the sweetest little girl, evah! I really do. So sweet in fact that I have to teach her to be mean. I can't believe I am saying that. Mean probably isn't the best word to describe what I am talking about. You see a lot of other girls want Claire's attention all of the time. It is wearing her out. I have seen it. They are constantly shouting, "Claire! Claire!" trying to get her attention and talking over each other constantly. It is a little much, maybe even weird. She loves all of these girls as well as few others who aren't so demanding of her time. Problem is, she can't give all of them the time and attention they require. Now, some of her dearest friends have had enough and are no longer vying for her time. They still like Claire, but they aren't going to get involved with the drama to be near her. I am hoping it is a result of being secure enough in their friendship with Claire that they know they do not need to fight for it unnecessarily. At least, that is what I am telling myself. A while back, one of her friends even said to her, "I don't get it. I mean your nice and all, but why is everyone SO crazy about you?" I agree. She is pretty awesome, but so are these other girls.
She has a really great group of friends, really. Therein lies the problem. They are all good friends, but Claire literally cannot hangout with all of them(and I'm talking 10+ girls) everyday at recess, or sit next to more than two at once, or listen to more than one at a time. One person simply cannot fulfill all the tasks that these girls are asking of her, nor can she choose which one will sit next to her, or play with her or whatever. It is a lot for one 10 year old to handle (especially when it has been going on since 2nd grade). Consequently, she is letting them duke it out without really saying anything, so she doesn't have to be the bad guy that hurts someone's feelings by making a choice, which means the pushiest and most aggressive girls win every time. I don't like that. It seems to me she is rewarding negative behavior.
I am trying to teach her to be more diplomatic about it and say things like, "I haven't played with 'so and so' in a while, so I will see you guys later." My other favorite is, "I see you all day in class but don't see my other friends, so I am going to hang out with them today." I think these sound like very nice ways to tell someone I need a little space without really hurting their feelings, right? She says it doesn't work that they follow her as she leaves to play with the others and will not leave her alone.
Recently, other moms have brought to my attention that the situation has gotten worse. Of course, these are the moms of the girls who are NOT fighting for her attention. Their girls are tired of never getting to hang out with Claire. So, here I am again, talking to my daughter about how to juggle friendships, and I realize I am not that much better. Some of my favorite friends I don't see as much as I would like. Sometimes it is pushier friends(or those in closer proximity) getting my attention, but most often the problem is time. Again, there is just not enough of it. I no longer have the time to keep up with everyone. Perhaps what we both need to do is make sure the time we spend, with the people we want to spend time with the most, is quality time, spent really connecting with those people.
My new solution is to make sure Claire gets time every week to spend with a friend she doesn't get to see much at school and do something that they really like to do together with out the distractions of the playground. I will also make sure I spend time with my friends. Once a month(time is an issue, so weekly is out!), I am going to go to lunch with someone I love, but don't get to spend enough time with. This may not solve the playground issues, but at least we will continue to build relationships we treasure. Will let you know how it goes....
No comments:
Post a Comment